Playoffs? Playoffs??

  Well folks, I am back. Not in black though. I have been very-ill for the past few weeks and haven't been able to update AT ALL. The regular season ended yesterday with quite the thriller. The 14-0 Peoria Red Raptors took on the 14-0 Ventura Megalodons in a match-up for the ages. From the beginning of the season everyone has been excited for this game, but no one expected it to be the battle of the undefeated. The Red Raptors, lead by the Big Bad Wolf, Ivan Anseli. Ventura Megalodons, lead by the best player in league history, Jason Schlek. This game was played in neutral-territory, the middle of the mighty Pacific. It was marvelous day, 70 degrees out, not too hot, not too cold. Juuuuust right. Mmmm porridge. Anyways, as the National Anthem was sung, the Air Force fighter planes blazed across the sky and as that happened, a flock of dolphins jumped out of the water and over the stadium. It was so graceful that 79% of the people there shed a tear. Quite a moment. The game then started with the traditional die toss. Peoria started the game with the ball, Ivan rumbled down the field and threw in the ball which was intercepted by Schlek and taken back down field for the score. After that score Ivan and Schlek went back-and-forth for scores for the whole first half. It was oober exciting to watch. This game got really interesting in the last 3 minutes of the game. The game was all tied up when Schlek and fellow Megalodon Bruce Amity scored 3 straight goals. 1:15 left. Anseli and Wenczeslaw had some work to do. And they did it. Wenczeslaw assisted Ivan on 2 back-to-back backflip goals but it was Wenczeslaw who tied the game up with 13 seconds to go. Schlek charged up the field with velocity of a rhino. He tried his signature goal-the behind the back between the legs triple axle bicycle goal-the Ventura goalie thought he saw it go in and ran to go celebrate, he was mistaken. The ball was picked by Anseli and thrown up field to an empty net. RAPTORS WIN!!!!! Perfect way to end the regular season, defeating the former Raptor Jason Schlek and becoming a wonderful 15-0!
________________________________________________________________________     As for the rest of the league, Boise lead by Ivan's brother Eva, charged into 3rd in Division 1 after winning their final 10 games and going 13-2. The Sloths went back to their losing ways and finished at a league worst 1-14. I am only going to post Division 1 and 2 standings, for they are the ones in the playoffs.

Division 1                                                      Division 2
1.Peoria Red Raptors (15-0)                       5.Milwaukee Titans (11-4)
2.Ventura Megalodons (14-1)                      6.New Orleans Armor (11-4)
3.Boise Steam (13-2)                                   7.Aurora Rays (9-6)
4.Anchorage Vipers (12-3)                           8.Tulsa Storm (9-6)

Breaking news

The word just got out, Ivan Anseli's older twin brother Evan Anseli signed on with the Boise Steam today. Evan did not play with Ivan in Angola, instead taking his talents to Greece. Their talents are almost identical, Ivan is slightly better. It'll be interesting to see how well Boise does now.

Walker, Texas Ranger

 Last night's game featured the Peoria Red Raptors vs the Cape Cod Cod. This time, America's Got Talent sensation Anna Graceman did a b-e-a-utiful rendition of Requiem for a Dream. There were several shootings between the fans outside the stadium before the game. SWAT, the FBI, CIA, U.S Army, Marines, Navy, KGB, and Chuck Norris were called to do security. Only Chuck Norris showed up. Because he's Chuck Norris. Ivan showed up to the stadium 7 seconds into the game and scored from the parking lot. But he forgot his ticket to the game, and was forced to play from the parking lot all game since he also forgot his I.D. and Chuck Norris wouldn't allow him inside. Ivan knows a guy, and phones in a helicopter and flies over the stadium. Wienczyslaw Wenczeslaw made a sweet behind the back pass to Ivan, he sent the ball flying at 18,000,000 ft per second. And scored. Burning a hole to China and back. Scoring again. Ivan can do this on a regular basis. At this point the score is 27-2 going into the half. Not much happened until the last 2 minutes of the game. 'Tis now a 5 point game. Cape Cod's right flank Mckenzie James scored 5 720 (2 spins) goals to tie the game. The owners of the stadium knew that the last shot would be in the hands of Ivan Anseli and started to close the stadium roof. Ivan's survival instincts kicked in, he found a bungee cord and strapped in. Jumping 2 miles from the helicopter into the stadium where J.J. Zahla passes him the ball. Ivan does a triple back flip for show and throws in the game winning goal. We weren't able to get a comment from him after the game, he bungeed out of the stadium before the roof shut all the way and didn't return. 








Division 1                                                      Division 2
1.Peoria Red Raptors (5-0)                          5.New Orleans Armor (3-2)
2.Ventura Megalodons (5-0)                         6.Boise Steam (3-2)
3.Milwaukee Titans (4-1)                              7.Cape Cod Cod (3-2)
4.Anchorage Vipers (3-2)                             8.Norfolk Smash (2-3)


Division 3                                                      Division 4
9.Tulsa Storm (2-3)                                     13.Bismark Tornadoes (1-3-1)
10.Richmond Luxury  (2-3)                          14.Aurora Rays (1-4)  
11.Omaha Boars (2-3)                                15.Baltimore Nomads (1-4) 
12.Tucson Sun (1-3-1)                                16.Newark Sloths (1-4)

Teamwork (Work(s))

Raptors. Rays. 'Nuff said? Not quite. Like I said yesterday, today at the the Ray's stadium was Red Raptor day. And it was PACKED. I never realized how many raptors lived in Aurora. I guess no one has, seeing as how Red Raptors are masters of disguise. To the game we go. It started out like every other game in league history, with a brilliant singer singing the SBL's (Splatterball league) opening game song. The Raptors are pumped up. All of them. Including the team. Wienczyslaw Wenczeslaw started off the game with a sweet back-flip goal, but was injured while trying to stick the landing. I give him an A+ for effort, but an F- for finish. He shattered his ankle, much like when you throw a large rock at a not-so strong window. He has to sit out, so now it's 5 on 6. Ivan Anseli scores from 70m out. It's only a 4-point game when Peoria flanks Thomas Borgiano and Bryon Willsen collide on the field. Both rupturing their spleens. All who's left now is Ivan Anseli, Randy Yamahasaki and J.J. Zahla. Things just keep getting worse for the Raptors, Aurora scores 5 more points and is up by 1. They start getting a little too cocky,Rays center flank Hunter Gaither started taunting Randy Yamahasaki. The two started to brawl, and both were ejected. It's now Ivan and J.J. against 5 Rays. Down by 1. 1 minute left to play. J.J. passes to Ivan. They're charging down the field. Back to J.J. Back to Ivan. Fakes to J.J. Passes to himself. Between the legs, off the ground. GOAL!!!! Tie game. Aurora now charges the field, the Raptors are outnumbered this time. When all of a sudden, Wienczyslaw Wenczeslaw gets back in the game! He intercepts a bad pass and heaves it up field to Anseli. Who puts in the game-winning goal as time expires. 




  Peoria remains the top team in the league with Ventura still right behind them. Ventura pulled off a huge victory over the previously undefeated Milwaukee Titans. Boise Steam made a big jump in the standings, jumping into Division 2. And also the most surprising news, the Newark Sloths actually WON their game against Omaha. Because of that loss, the Boars dropped from Division 2 to Division 4.






Division 1                                                      Division 2
1.Peoria Red Raptors (4-0)                          5.Cape Cod Cod (3-1)
2.Ventura Megalodons (4-0)                         6.New Orleans Armor (2-2)
3.Anchorage Vipers (3-1)                             7.Norfolk Smash (2-2)
4.Milwaukee Titans (3-1)                              8.Boise Steam (2-2)


Division 3                                                      Division 4
9.Tulsa Storm (2-2)                                      13.Omaha Boars (1-3)
10.Tucson Sun (1-2-1)                                14.Aurora Rays (1-3)  
11.Baltimore Nomads (1-3)                       15.Newark Sloths (1-3) 
12.Richmond Luxury (1-3)                           16.Bismark Tornadoes (0-3-1)

Just like Dyson.

First the alien invasion, now Hurricane Irene. Natural disasters inhale vigorously(SUCK)!! So do vacuums. They have postponed so many games so far. Hopefully (fingers crossed) the games will resume tomorrow. I'll have the coverage of the Raptors' game with Aurora and the updated standings. The game is in Aurora, however it is still "Red Raptor Day" at the stadium, all Red Raptors/Red Raptor players/Red Raptor fans get in free.

Get Your Facts Straight (they're kind of leaning to the right)

 ( I know I know I know. I said I would update the standings yesterday, and I'm sure all of you were waiting for it. But I have a valid reason for not updating, the alien invasion that postponed the Milwaukee-Omaha game lasted longer than expected. But it is now over! However today's games will be played tomorrow so the city of Omaha can clean up. I do have something special for you guys since there aren't any games today. But that'll come after the standings. Anyways, here are the standings after Monday's games(including the game between Milwaukee and Omaha, which finished 8 hours ago).




Division 1                                                      Division 2
1.Peoria Red Raptors (3-0)                           5.New Orleans Armor (2-1)
2.Ventura Megalodons (3-0)                         6.Cape Cod Cod (2-1)
3.Milwaukee Titans (3-0)                              7.Omaha Boars (1-2)
4.Anchorage Vipers (2-1)                             8.Richmond Luxury (1-2)


Division 3                                                      Division 4
9.Norfolk Smash (1-2)                                 13.Tulsa Storm (1-2)
10.Tucson Sun (1-1-1)                                14.Aurora Rays (1-2)  
11.Baltimore Nomads (1-2)                          15.Bismark Tornadoes (0-2-1) 
12.Boise Steam (1-2)                                  16.Newark Sloths (0-3)






Since there aren't any games today, I thought I would tell you 10 facts that most people don't know about the Peoria Red Raptors and some of its' current and past players. Here we go.


1. "Ivan Anseli" is actually ancient German for "Greatest player ever. You don't have a chance."


2. My real name isn't Ryan, its Ryen.


3. Okay that last statement was false.


4. Jason Schlek is a woman.


5. When all dinosaurs walked the Earth, the most feared one was not the T-Rex, but the Red Raptor.


6. Contrary to popular belief, Red Raptors do not hunt in "packs", but clans. Each clan contains about 75 to 128 Raptors.


7. Red Raptors are not, and I repeat not extinct. They are masters of disguise(ever noticed Ivan's teeth?)


8. Red Raptors can breathe fire,ice,lightning and bubbles. Just like Spyro the dragon (who was modeled after a Red Raptor).


9. Red Raptors can smell fear. But they prefer the taste much better.


10. The last fact isn't as much a fact as much as a statement of truth and prediction towards the outcome of the future more than the present. It IS a fact, but I have to disagree with myself in order to be able to post this. Due to my contract with the league. This statement is true but it is not a fact. The Red Raptors WILL win the championship this season.


                          Keep the faith all you Raptors,
                                                                   Ryan.

Richy McRich Riches

 Today the Raptor's treated themselves to a home game against the Richmond Luxury (1-1), which have the highest-paid players in the game. The team is so far in debt, that it is actually in worse debt than the U.S. government. Richmond bought-out the whole stadium so any of their fans could show up for free if they wanted to. I couldn't tell how many showed up, no one was in the stands. I assume they were all in the luxury boxes. Wow that's punny. Anyway, let's get to the game. It started out with a very very rare thing that almost never happens in the league, ever. I mean Sasquatch has been seen more times than this, that's how rare it is. Ivan Anseli actually MISSED a goal. After further research I found out that there was a chemical spill during practice yesterday and it got into his eyes, he is now illegally blind. The rules state that no blind players are allowed to play because it is an unfair advantage to that player's team. But since Ivan Anseli is the deadliest player alive, the refs let it slide. He soon made up for the miss after decapitating the goalie then scoring 8 times. There was a lot of back and forth action this game.  Wienczyslaw Wenczeslaw had his best game of the season, with 1289 saves and only 4 goals allowed. Raptors win 76-4. Today's match-up between the Milwaukee Titans and the Omaha Boars has been postponed to tomorrow due to alien invasion. The standings will be updated after that game is finished tomorrow. 


                                      Keep the faith my fellow Raptors,
                                                                                          Ryan.

Adrenaline junkie

I decided that with the new season and new team, I should get a new background for the blog. As you may have noticed, there is a large V. monogoliensis behind this post. After a one-day break from competition, the "swift thieves" headed to Bismark to take on the Tornadoes. Bismark is the only team to have an underground stadium (due to all the tornadoes and whatnot). The Raptors came into today's game with high hopes. High hopes to ride a tornado, and ride one they did. However, they rode the tornado for too long and were 17 seconds late to the game. By then Bismark had scored 9 unanswered goals. But the adrenaline  level in Ivan Anseli was off the charts, literally. His blood was replaced with epinephrine and he unleashed the beast. Scoring 37 goals before the last period started. Good news for the Tornadoes, the adrenaline in Ivan's body turned back into blood and he was his normal self again. Bad news for the Tornadoes, it was still Ivan Anseli. Although he actually fell asleep after the adrenaline rush ended, he still scored from his sleep. Including the game-winning goal with 3 seconds left in the game. He's too good for his own good. That's all for today's game. Here are the standings.


Standings after today's games


Division 1                                                      Division 2
1.Ventura Megalodons (2-0)                        5.Anchorage Vipers (1-1)
2.Peoria Red Raptors (2-0)                         6.Omaha Boars (1-1)
3.Milwaukee Titans (2-0)                            7.Cape Cod Cod (1-1)
4.New Orleans Armor (2-0)                         8.Richmond Luxury (1-1)


Division 3                                                      Division 4
9.Norfolk Smash (1-1)                                 13.Tulsa Storm (1-1)
10.Tucson Sun (0-1-1)                                14.Boise Steam (0-2)  
11.Bismark Tornadoes (0-1-1)                     15.Baltimore Nomads (0-2) 
12.Aurora Rays (1-1)                                  16.Newark Sloths (0-2)

Day One Done

 Today was the opening day of the 2011-2012 season, with high expectations for Ivan Anseli and the Peoria Red Raptors. They started the season off against a team from the 4th Division, the Newark Sloths.For those who are new to the game,there are 4 divisions in the league. Teams change divisions depending on their skill level and/or record. Newark is a new team this season and they got the mascot of a sloth because on average, they are the slowest team in the league. Their average player can run a 40-yard dash in 9.27 seconds. While the Raptors average 40YD time is 4.19, they are the second fastest in the league. An easy win is expected for the Raptors.The game started off with a gravity-defying double bicycle goal by Ivan Anseli. What a way to start the season! The Sloths had a ton of trouble keeping up with the Raptors up and down the field. Only 7 minutes into the game and it was like déjà vu all over again, Anseli scored ANOTHER double bicycle goal, this time from 57 meters out. Half time score 25-2, Raptors. The Raptors went out on the field in the second half ready to play. But the Sloths didn't have anything left to give, they were too exhausted to even play the second half. However, they did not forfeit, leaving their goal unattended for the whole second half. Final score 157-3. Ivan Anseli led the whole team with 47 goals, leading all of the rookies in the league.


Standings after today's games


Division 1                                                      Division 2
1.Ventura Megalodons (1-0)                       5.Omaha Boars (1-0)
2.Peoria Red Raptors (1-0)                         6.New Orleans Armor (1-0)
3.Milwaukee Titans (1-0)                            7.Cape Cod Cod (1-0)
4.Anchorage Vipers (1-0)                           8.Bismark Tornadoes (0-0-1)


Division 3                                                      Division 4
9.Tucson Sun (0-0-1)                                   13.Tulsa Storm (0-1)
10.Norfolk Smash (0-1)                                14.Baltimore Nomads (0-1)  
11.Boise Steam (0-1)                                  15.Richmond Luxury (0-1) 
12.Aurora Rays (0-1)                                   16.Newark Sloths (0-1)

He'll Blow Your House Down

 Today was the league's draft. The lottery started at noon and the Raptors won the 1st overall pick! They had so many options to choose from, there are so many great college and international players. Any of them could help in their own way. It took 20 minutes for Raptors owner Mark O'Connor to decided on who the Raptors next star player would be. He went with the 6' 11", 265 lbs center flank out of Angola, Ivan "Big Bad Wolf" Anseli. Ivan had a very successful career in Angola leading his team to an international title 3 years in a row. He is a two-time MVP and won the most deadly award every year of his career. Ivan likes long walks on the beach and bare-knuckle brawling. At only 17 years old, Ivan is the youngest player in league history. He brings an arsenal of scoring techniques along with the leadership needed for a successful team. The first game of the season kicks off tomorrow at 7a.m. eastern time.

The Man Who Started It All

 The splatter ball lockout has been underway for many weeks now. After 7 meetings between the owners, they have come to an agreement and the season will start TOMORROW with the annual draft! This post is dedicated to the owner and founder of the Red Raptors, Mark O'Connor. Mr. O'Connor founded the Raptors in May 2011 and the team was added to the league late that month. Mark is a true visionary and sports connoisseur, using his knowledge of the SF Giants and their management to manage the Red Raptors and create an extraordinary team. I trust that he will use his knowledge to draft well in tomorrow's draft. We will need it, seeing as Jason Schlek's contract expired and he chose to sign with Ventura Megalodons. We need some talent, and we need it now. The Red Raptors should be the reigning league champs, but the lockout started in the middle of the season.  It is rebuilding time for the Raptors, and Mark has started it off the right way. Firing EVERYONE on the team excluding himself, then hiring everyone back on. However, he released all the current players on the team (seeing as how Jason Schlek carried them on his shoulders the whole season). Since then he has signed on key players such as RF Thomas Borgiano, LF Randy Yamahasaki, CF Bryon Willsen, and perhaps the biggest signing for the team, he is a guard, last year he played for the Kirkjubæjarklaustur Bears, he is Wienczyslaw Wenczeslaw. Well played Mr. O'Connor. Well played.

One on one with Jason Schlek

 We here at Prehistoric Domination have been fortunate enough to get an interview with Red Raptor starting right flank Jason Schlek. Here's how it went down, yo.

Q: First question, what's the secret to your soufflè of death?
A: Lot's of love.

Q: Who inspired you most growing up?
A:  Not Cody McDonald.

Q: Who is your number one fan?
A: Fan? You mean stalker? Cause that is Justine Cota.

Q: What's your favorite game that you've played in this season?
A: NBA finals, game 3, Miami. I was on fire.

Q: What's your favorite type of goal?
A: The behind the back between the legs triple axle bicycle goal.

Q: What do you do to get ready before a big game?
A: Your mother.

Q: Do you even know my mother?
A: Do you know your father?

Q: That was uncalled for.
A: I ask the questions now.

(At this point, Jason Schlek punched me in the face and took the mic)

Q: Am I your favorite player?
A: Of course.

Q: Who is your least favorite player?
A: That would have to be Justine Cota of the McMurdo Station Wild Burros.

Q: What's your favorite goal of mine?
A: That game-winning 3 pointer in the NBA Finals.

Q: Oh I know right?
A: Fo' sho'

A: Can I have the mic back now?
Q: No!?

A: Really?
Q: No, here you go. (hands me the mic)

Q: What's your favorite song to listen to before a game?
A: Chocolate Rain by Tay Zonday. Gotta represent.

Q: Final question, any predictions for the rest of the season?
A: Nope.

Relatively Humid Rivalry

  Todays match-up was a FAT rivalry game between the Peoria Red Raptors and the McMurdo Station, Antarctica Wild Burros. It was a scorching negative 70 degrees at the start of the game. It was a complete white out during the die toss, no one could see the die so they decided it over a nice game of tight rope walk chess boxing. The Wild Burros started out with the ball and scored the first 17 and 13/5ths goals until the Red Raptors finished warming-up. Jason Schlek hit a triple bicycle goal from full field length while the guards' goggles were fogged. For those of you who don't know, the field is approximately 58.0 milk jugs long, it took the ball about 4 and 1/2 minutes to reach the goal. Samuel L. Jackson crashed a plane into the field half way through the 6th period and out of the plane came enough Central Asian Pit Vipers to choke a horse. A VERY large horse. Now that the vipers were back in their natural habitat, they began to feed upon the players. The first person they took was McMurdo Station center flank Justine Cota, who is the only female player in the world. She was taken to the hospital and died instantly......the next day. A masked man appeared and challenges all of the snakes to a cook off. The masked man easily won with his soufflè of death. The game started again and Jason Schlek was nowhere to be found. Until the masked man took off his mask and it was Jason Schlek! The Red Raptors were awarded 1,000 and 100 bonus points which equals 1 and a half goals. After that, Jason Schlek took complete control of the game with an army of quantimple 360 goals. After this we soon lost communication with McMurdo Station and were unable to determine the final score, but you can probably guess that the Red Raptors won. Like always.

Border Jumping

 The Red Raptors began their international tour today, starting with a game against the Kirkjubæjarklaustur Bears. When they first landed in Kirkjubæjarklaustur, Jason Schlek slipped on a patch of ice and tore some cartilage in his ear. The Icelandic doctors wouldn't allow him to play in todays game. At the start of the game, Kirkjubæjarklaustur won the die toss and would start with the ball. Kirkjubæjarklaustur star player Wienczyslaw Wenczeslaw assisted a goal to Michael Smith to get things started. After 17 more goals by the Kirkjubæjarklaustur Bears, smoke started to fill the arena! The smoke was caused by an erupting volcano in a nearby city. During the "smoke screen", Jason Schlek slipped into one of the bench player's jersey and entered the game for the Raptors. After a barrage of 40+ meter between the leg goals, the Red Raptors found themselves up by 3.141592653 points. Wienczyslaw Wenczeslaw hits a HUGE 3.141592653 goal to tie things up with 3 halves of a second left on the clock.The ball ends up in the hands; of course, once again, for the second time this season, who else would take it really?, other than, the one, the only, the immortal, the future MVP, Jason Schlek. As the clock ticks down, the crowd starts chanting "3 halves! 2 halves! 1 halves!" Before the clock struck zero halves, Schlek skipped the ball off the ground and through the legs of Wienczyslaw Wenczeslaw-who was playing guard at the time-for the game winning goal! Schlek does it again!

Opening Day Domination

Red Raptors win! Red Raptors win! That's right folks, the Peoria Red Raptors crushed the Fort Worth Invaders in a grueling OT game early Wednesday afternoon. Red Raptors starting right flank Jason Schlek had a monster game scoring over one eighth of the teams points. His defense was astounding and his footwork was unimaginable, he's sure to be the leading candidate for MVP this season. The game started out on a bad note for Peoria as the Invaders scored 5 unanswered goals until the Red Raptors guard Alex Fondler found his glove. The first period ended with a Schlek behind the back goal from 15m out. In the second period a brawl broke out between Invader captain Mork Swanson and Red Raptor left flank Marcus Krone. Both were ejected and left their teams short handed. Thats when Schlek took over, scoring 5 straight goals, 2 of them from 20+ meters away. Also in the period Schlek dished out 11 assists. The Invaders made a comeback after Schlek was send to the penalty ring after taunting another player. Schlek was finally let back in with only 10 seconds left in OT, and of course, the game was put in his hands. Schlek faked the pass looking towards left flank Arturo Greulez, Fort Worth keeper Brian Yool fell for the trick right as Schlek threw it in for the score. Red Raptors win! Great way to kick off the season.