Richy McRich Riches

 Today the Raptor's treated themselves to a home game against the Richmond Luxury (1-1), which have the highest-paid players in the game. The team is so far in debt, that it is actually in worse debt than the U.S. government. Richmond bought-out the whole stadium so any of their fans could show up for free if they wanted to. I couldn't tell how many showed up, no one was in the stands. I assume they were all in the luxury boxes. Wow that's punny. Anyway, let's get to the game. It started out with a very very rare thing that almost never happens in the league, ever. I mean Sasquatch has been seen more times than this, that's how rare it is. Ivan Anseli actually MISSED a goal. After further research I found out that there was a chemical spill during practice yesterday and it got into his eyes, he is now illegally blind. The rules state that no blind players are allowed to play because it is an unfair advantage to that player's team. But since Ivan Anseli is the deadliest player alive, the refs let it slide. He soon made up for the miss after decapitating the goalie then scoring 8 times. There was a lot of back and forth action this game.  Wienczyslaw Wenczeslaw had his best game of the season, with 1289 saves and only 4 goals allowed. Raptors win 76-4. Today's match-up between the Milwaukee Titans and the Omaha Boars has been postponed to tomorrow due to alien invasion. The standings will be updated after that game is finished tomorrow. 


                                      Keep the faith my fellow Raptors,
                                                                                          Ryan.

Adrenaline junkie

I decided that with the new season and new team, I should get a new background for the blog. As you may have noticed, there is a large V. monogoliensis behind this post. After a one-day break from competition, the "swift thieves" headed to Bismark to take on the Tornadoes. Bismark is the only team to have an underground stadium (due to all the tornadoes and whatnot). The Raptors came into today's game with high hopes. High hopes to ride a tornado, and ride one they did. However, they rode the tornado for too long and were 17 seconds late to the game. By then Bismark had scored 9 unanswered goals. But the adrenaline  level in Ivan Anseli was off the charts, literally. His blood was replaced with epinephrine and he unleashed the beast. Scoring 37 goals before the last period started. Good news for the Tornadoes, the adrenaline in Ivan's body turned back into blood and he was his normal self again. Bad news for the Tornadoes, it was still Ivan Anseli. Although he actually fell asleep after the adrenaline rush ended, he still scored from his sleep. Including the game-winning goal with 3 seconds left in the game. He's too good for his own good. That's all for today's game. Here are the standings.


Standings after today's games


Division 1                                                      Division 2
1.Ventura Megalodons (2-0)                        5.Anchorage Vipers (1-1)
2.Peoria Red Raptors (2-0)                         6.Omaha Boars (1-1)
3.Milwaukee Titans (2-0)                            7.Cape Cod Cod (1-1)
4.New Orleans Armor (2-0)                         8.Richmond Luxury (1-1)


Division 3                                                      Division 4
9.Norfolk Smash (1-1)                                 13.Tulsa Storm (1-1)
10.Tucson Sun (0-1-1)                                14.Boise Steam (0-2)  
11.Bismark Tornadoes (0-1-1)                     15.Baltimore Nomads (0-2) 
12.Aurora Rays (1-1)                                  16.Newark Sloths (0-2)

Day One Done

 Today was the opening day of the 2011-2012 season, with high expectations for Ivan Anseli and the Peoria Red Raptors. They started the season off against a team from the 4th Division, the Newark Sloths.For those who are new to the game,there are 4 divisions in the league. Teams change divisions depending on their skill level and/or record. Newark is a new team this season and they got the mascot of a sloth because on average, they are the slowest team in the league. Their average player can run a 40-yard dash in 9.27 seconds. While the Raptors average 40YD time is 4.19, they are the second fastest in the league. An easy win is expected for the Raptors.The game started off with a gravity-defying double bicycle goal by Ivan Anseli. What a way to start the season! The Sloths had a ton of trouble keeping up with the Raptors up and down the field. Only 7 minutes into the game and it was like déjà vu all over again, Anseli scored ANOTHER double bicycle goal, this time from 57 meters out. Half time score 25-2, Raptors. The Raptors went out on the field in the second half ready to play. But the Sloths didn't have anything left to give, they were too exhausted to even play the second half. However, they did not forfeit, leaving their goal unattended for the whole second half. Final score 157-3. Ivan Anseli led the whole team with 47 goals, leading all of the rookies in the league.


Standings after today's games


Division 1                                                      Division 2
1.Ventura Megalodons (1-0)                       5.Omaha Boars (1-0)
2.Peoria Red Raptors (1-0)                         6.New Orleans Armor (1-0)
3.Milwaukee Titans (1-0)                            7.Cape Cod Cod (1-0)
4.Anchorage Vipers (1-0)                           8.Bismark Tornadoes (0-0-1)


Division 3                                                      Division 4
9.Tucson Sun (0-0-1)                                   13.Tulsa Storm (0-1)
10.Norfolk Smash (0-1)                                14.Baltimore Nomads (0-1)  
11.Boise Steam (0-1)                                  15.Richmond Luxury (0-1) 
12.Aurora Rays (0-1)                                   16.Newark Sloths (0-1)

He'll Blow Your House Down

 Today was the league's draft. The lottery started at noon and the Raptors won the 1st overall pick! They had so many options to choose from, there are so many great college and international players. Any of them could help in their own way. It took 20 minutes for Raptors owner Mark O'Connor to decided on who the Raptors next star player would be. He went with the 6' 11", 265 lbs center flank out of Angola, Ivan "Big Bad Wolf" Anseli. Ivan had a very successful career in Angola leading his team to an international title 3 years in a row. He is a two-time MVP and won the most deadly award every year of his career. Ivan likes long walks on the beach and bare-knuckle brawling. At only 17 years old, Ivan is the youngest player in league history. He brings an arsenal of scoring techniques along with the leadership needed for a successful team. The first game of the season kicks off tomorrow at 7a.m. eastern time.

The Man Who Started It All

 The splatter ball lockout has been underway for many weeks now. After 7 meetings between the owners, they have come to an agreement and the season will start TOMORROW with the annual draft! This post is dedicated to the owner and founder of the Red Raptors, Mark O'Connor. Mr. O'Connor founded the Raptors in May 2011 and the team was added to the league late that month. Mark is a true visionary and sports connoisseur, using his knowledge of the SF Giants and their management to manage the Red Raptors and create an extraordinary team. I trust that he will use his knowledge to draft well in tomorrow's draft. We will need it, seeing as Jason Schlek's contract expired and he chose to sign with Ventura Megalodons. We need some talent, and we need it now. The Red Raptors should be the reigning league champs, but the lockout started in the middle of the season.  It is rebuilding time for the Raptors, and Mark has started it off the right way. Firing EVERYONE on the team excluding himself, then hiring everyone back on. However, he released all the current players on the team (seeing as how Jason Schlek carried them on his shoulders the whole season). Since then he has signed on key players such as RF Thomas Borgiano, LF Randy Yamahasaki, CF Bryon Willsen, and perhaps the biggest signing for the team, he is a guard, last year he played for the Kirkjubæjarklaustur Bears, he is Wienczyslaw Wenczeslaw. Well played Mr. O'Connor. Well played.

One on one with Jason Schlek

 We here at Prehistoric Domination have been fortunate enough to get an interview with Red Raptor starting right flank Jason Schlek. Here's how it went down, yo.

Q: First question, what's the secret to your soufflè of death?
A: Lot's of love.

Q: Who inspired you most growing up?
A:  Not Cody McDonald.

Q: Who is your number one fan?
A: Fan? You mean stalker? Cause that is Justine Cota.

Q: What's your favorite game that you've played in this season?
A: NBA finals, game 3, Miami. I was on fire.

Q: What's your favorite type of goal?
A: The behind the back between the legs triple axle bicycle goal.

Q: What do you do to get ready before a big game?
A: Your mother.

Q: Do you even know my mother?
A: Do you know your father?

Q: That was uncalled for.
A: I ask the questions now.

(At this point, Jason Schlek punched me in the face and took the mic)

Q: Am I your favorite player?
A: Of course.

Q: Who is your least favorite player?
A: That would have to be Justine Cota of the McMurdo Station Wild Burros.

Q: What's your favorite goal of mine?
A: That game-winning 3 pointer in the NBA Finals.

Q: Oh I know right?
A: Fo' sho'

A: Can I have the mic back now?
Q: No!?

A: Really?
Q: No, here you go. (hands me the mic)

Q: What's your favorite song to listen to before a game?
A: Chocolate Rain by Tay Zonday. Gotta represent.

Q: Final question, any predictions for the rest of the season?
A: Nope.

Relatively Humid Rivalry

  Todays match-up was a FAT rivalry game between the Peoria Red Raptors and the McMurdo Station, Antarctica Wild Burros. It was a scorching negative 70 degrees at the start of the game. It was a complete white out during the die toss, no one could see the die so they decided it over a nice game of tight rope walk chess boxing. The Wild Burros started out with the ball and scored the first 17 and 13/5ths goals until the Red Raptors finished warming-up. Jason Schlek hit a triple bicycle goal from full field length while the guards' goggles were fogged. For those of you who don't know, the field is approximately 58.0 milk jugs long, it took the ball about 4 and 1/2 minutes to reach the goal. Samuel L. Jackson crashed a plane into the field half way through the 6th period and out of the plane came enough Central Asian Pit Vipers to choke a horse. A VERY large horse. Now that the vipers were back in their natural habitat, they began to feed upon the players. The first person they took was McMurdo Station center flank Justine Cota, who is the only female player in the world. She was taken to the hospital and died instantly......the next day. A masked man appeared and challenges all of the snakes to a cook off. The masked man easily won with his soufflè of death. The game started again and Jason Schlek was nowhere to be found. Until the masked man took off his mask and it was Jason Schlek! The Red Raptors were awarded 1,000 and 100 bonus points which equals 1 and a half goals. After that, Jason Schlek took complete control of the game with an army of quantimple 360 goals. After this we soon lost communication with McMurdo Station and were unable to determine the final score, but you can probably guess that the Red Raptors won. Like always.