Well folks, I am back. Not in black though. I have been very-ill for the past few weeks and haven't been able to update AT ALL. The regular season ended yesterday with quite the thriller. The 14-0 Peoria Red Raptors took on the 14-0 Ventura Megalodons in a match-up for the ages. From the beginning of the season everyone has been excited for this game, but no one expected it to be the battle of the undefeated. The Red Raptors, lead by the Big Bad Wolf, Ivan Anseli. Ventura Megalodons, lead by the best player in league history, Jason Schlek. This game was played in neutral-territory, the middle of the mighty Pacific. It was marvelous day, 70 degrees out, not too hot, not too cold. Juuuuust right. Mmmm porridge. Anyways, as the National Anthem was sung, the Air Force fighter planes blazed across the sky and as that happened, a flock of dolphins jumped out of the water and over the stadium. It was so graceful that 79% of the people there shed a tear. Quite a moment. The game then started with the traditional die toss. Peoria started the game with the ball, Ivan rumbled down the field and threw in the ball which was intercepted by Schlek and taken back down field for the score. After that score Ivan and Schlek went back-and-forth for scores for the whole first half. It was oober exciting to watch. This game got really interesting in the last 3 minutes of the game. The game was all tied up when Schlek and fellow Megalodon Bruce Amity scored 3 straight goals. 1:15 left. Anseli and Wenczeslaw had some work to do. And they did it. Wenczeslaw assisted Ivan on 2 back-to-back backflip goals but it was Wenczeslaw who tied the game up with 13 seconds to go. Schlek charged up the field with velocity of a rhino. He tried his signature goal-the behind the back between the legs triple axle bicycle goal-the Ventura goalie thought he saw it go in and ran to go celebrate, he was mistaken. The ball was picked by Anseli and thrown up field to an empty net. RAPTORS WIN!!!!! Perfect way to end the regular season, defeating the former Raptor Jason Schlek and becoming a wonderful 15-0!
________________________________________________________________________ As for the rest of the league, Boise lead by Ivan's brother Eva, charged into 3rd in Division 1 after winning their final 10 games and going 13-2. The Sloths went back to their losing ways and finished at a league worst 1-14. I am only going to post Division 1 and 2 standings, for they are the ones in the playoffs.
Division 1 Division 2
1.Peoria Red Raptors (15-0) 5.Milwaukee Titans (11-4)
2.Ventura Megalodons (14-1) 6.New Orleans Armor (11-4)
3.Boise Steam (13-2) 7.Aurora Rays (9-6)
4.Anchorage Vipers (12-3) 8.Tulsa Storm (9-6)
The word just got out, Ivan Anseli's older twin brother Evan Anseli signed on with the Boise Steam today. Evan did not play with Ivan in Angola, instead taking his talents to Greece. Their talents are almost identical, Ivan is slightly better. It'll be interesting to see how well Boise does now.
Last night's game featured the Peoria Red Raptors vs the Cape Cod Cod. This time, America's Got Talent sensation Anna Graceman did a b-e-a-utiful rendition of Requiem for a Dream. There were several shootings between the fans outside the stadium before the game. SWAT, the FBI, CIA, U.S Army, Marines, Navy, KGB, and Chuck Norris were called to do security. Only Chuck Norris showed up. Because he's Chuck Norris. Ivan showed up to the stadium 7 seconds into the game and scored from the parking lot. But he forgot his ticket to the game, and was forced to play from the parking lot all game since he also forgot his I.D. and Chuck Norris wouldn't allow him inside. Ivan knows a guy, and phones in a helicopter and flies over the stadium. Wienczyslaw Wenczeslaw made a sweet behind the back pass to Ivan, he sent the ball flying at 18,000,000 ft per second. And scored. Burning a hole to China and back. Scoring again. Ivan can do this on a regular basis. At this point the score is 27-2 going into the half. Not much happened until the last 2 minutes of the game. 'Tis now a 5 point game. Cape Cod's right flank Mckenzie James scored 5 720 (2 spins) goals to tie the game. The owners of the stadium knew that the last shot would be in the hands of Ivan Anseli and started to close the stadium roof. Ivan's survival instincts kicked in, he found a bungee cord and strapped in. Jumping 2 miles from the helicopter into the stadium where J.J. Zahla passes him the ball. Ivan does a triple back flip for show and throws in the game winning goal. We weren't able to get a comment from him after the game, he bungeed out of the stadium before the roof shut all the way and didn't return.
Division 1 Division 2
1.Peoria Red Raptors (5-0) 5.New Orleans Armor (3-2)
2.Ventura Megalodons (5-0) 6.Boise Steam (3-2)
3.Milwaukee Titans (4-1) 7.Cape Cod Cod (3-2)
4.Anchorage Vipers (3-2) 8.Norfolk Smash (2-3)
Division 3 Division 4
9.Tulsa Storm (2-3) 13.Bismark Tornadoes (1-3-1)
10.Richmond Luxury (2-3) 14.Aurora Rays (1-4)
11.Omaha Boars (2-3) 15.Baltimore Nomads (1-4)
12.Tucson Sun (1-3-1) 16.Newark Sloths (1-4)
Raptors. Rays. 'Nuff said? Not quite. Like I said yesterday, today at the the Ray's stadium was Red Raptor day. And it was PACKED. I never realized how many raptors lived in Aurora. I guess no one has, seeing as how Red Raptors are masters of disguise. To the game we go. It started out like every other game in league history, with a brilliant singer singing the SBL's (Splatterball league) opening game song. The Raptors are pumped up. All of them. Including the team. Wienczyslaw Wenczeslaw started off the game with a sweet back-flip goal, but was injured while trying to stick the landing. I give him an A+ for effort, but an F- for finish. He shattered his ankle, much like when you throw a large rock at a not-so strong window. He has to sit out, so now it's 5 on 6. Ivan Anseli scores from 70m out. It's only a 4-point game when Peoria flanks Thomas Borgiano and Bryon Willsen collide on the field. Both rupturing their spleens. All who's left now is Ivan Anseli, Randy Yamahasaki and J.J. Zahla. Things just keep getting worse for the Raptors, Aurora scores 5 more points and is up by 1. They start getting a little too cocky,Rays center flank Hunter Gaither started taunting Randy Yamahasaki. The two started to brawl, and both were ejected. It's now Ivan and J.J. against 5 Rays. Down by 1. 1 minute left to play. J.J. passes to Ivan. They're charging down the field. Back to J.J. Back to Ivan. Fakes to J.J. Passes to himself. Between the legs, off the ground. GOAL!!!! Tie game. Aurora now charges the field, the Raptors are outnumbered this time. When all of a sudden, Wienczyslaw Wenczeslaw gets back in the game! He intercepts a bad pass and heaves it up field to Anseli. Who puts in the game-winning goal as time expires.
Peoria remains the top team in the league with Ventura still right behind them. Ventura pulled off a huge victory over the previously undefeated Milwaukee Titans. Boise Steam made a big jump in the standings, jumping into Division 2. And also the most surprising news, the Newark Sloths actually WON their game against Omaha. Because of that loss, the Boars dropped from Division 2 to Division 4.
Division 1 Division 2
1.Peoria Red Raptors (4-0) 5.Cape Cod Cod (3-1)
2.Ventura Megalodons (4-0) 6.New Orleans Armor (2-2)
3.Anchorage Vipers (3-1) 7.Norfolk Smash (2-2)
4.Milwaukee Titans (3-1) 8.Boise Steam (2-2)
Division 3 Division 4
9.Tulsa Storm (2-2) 13.Omaha Boars (1-3)
10.Tucson Sun (1-2-1) 14.Aurora Rays (1-3)
11.Baltimore Nomads (1-3) 15.Newark Sloths (1-3)
12.Richmond Luxury (1-3) 16.Bismark Tornadoes (0-3-1)
First the alien invasion, now Hurricane Irene. Natural disasters inhale vigorously(SUCK)!! So do vacuums. They have postponed so many games so far. Hopefully (fingers crossed) the games will resume tomorrow. I'll have the coverage of the Raptors' game with Aurora and the updated standings. The game is in Aurora, however it is still "Red Raptor Day" at the stadium, all Red Raptors/Red Raptor players/Red Raptor fans get in free.
( I know I know I know. I said I would update the standings yesterday, and I'm sure all of you were waiting for it. But I have a valid reason for not updating, the alien invasion that postponed the Milwaukee-Omaha game lasted longer than expected. But it is now over! However today's games will be played tomorrow so the city of Omaha can clean up. I do have something special for you guys since there aren't any games today. But that'll come after the standings. Anyways, here are the standings after Monday's games(including the game between Milwaukee and Omaha, which finished 8 hours ago).
Division 1 Division 2
1.Peoria Red Raptors (3-0) 5.New Orleans Armor (2-1)
2.Ventura Megalodons (3-0) 6.Cape Cod Cod (2-1)
3.Milwaukee Titans (3-0) 7.Omaha Boars (1-2)
4.Anchorage Vipers (2-1) 8.Richmond Luxury (1-2)
Division 3 Division 4
9.Norfolk Smash (1-2) 13.Tulsa Storm (1-2)
10.Tucson Sun (1-1-1) 14.Aurora Rays (1-2)
11.Baltimore Nomads (1-2) 15.Bismark Tornadoes (0-2-1)
12.Boise Steam (1-2) 16.Newark Sloths (0-3)
Since there aren't any games today, I thought I would tell you 10 facts that most people don't know about the Peoria Red Raptors and some of its' current and past players. Here we go.
1. "Ivan Anseli" is actually ancient German for "Greatest player ever. You don't have a chance."
2. My real name isn't Ryan, its Ryen.
3. Okay that last statement was false.
4. Jason Schlek is a woman.
5. When all dinosaurs walked the Earth, the most feared one was not the T-Rex, but the Red Raptor.
6. Contrary to popular belief, Red Raptors do not hunt in "packs", but clans. Each clan contains about 75 to 128 Raptors.
7. Red Raptors are not, and I repeat not extinct. They are masters of disguise(ever noticed Ivan's teeth?)
8. Red Raptors can breathe fire,ice,lightning and bubbles. Just like Spyro the dragon (who was modeled after a Red Raptor).
9. Red Raptors can smell fear. But they prefer the taste much better.
10. The last fact isn't as much a fact as much as a statement of truth and prediction towards the outcome of the future more than the present. It IS a fact, but I have to disagree with myself in order to be able to post this. Due to my contract with the league. This statement is true but it is not a fact. The Red Raptors WILL win the championship this season.
Keep the faith all you Raptors,
Ryan.
Today the Raptor's treated themselves to a home game against the Richmond Luxury (1-1), which have the highest-paid players in the game. The team is so far in debt, that it is actually in worse debt than the U.S. government. Richmond bought-out the whole stadium so any of their fans could show up for free if they wanted to. I couldn't tell how many showed up, no one was in the stands. I assume they were all in the luxury boxes. Wow that's punny. Anyway, let's get to the game. It started out with a very very rare thing that almost never happens in the league, ever. I mean Sasquatch has been seen more times than this, that's how rare it is. Ivan Anseli actually MISSED a goal. After further research I found out that there was a chemical spill during practice yesterday and it got into his eyes, he is now illegally blind. The rules state that no blind players are allowed to play because it is an unfair advantage to that player's team. But since Ivan Anseli is the deadliest player alive, the refs let it slide. He soon made up for the miss after decapitating the goalie then scoring 8 times. There was a lot of back and forth action this game. Wienczyslaw Wenczeslaw had his best game of the season, with 1289 saves and only 4 goals allowed. Raptors win 76-4. Today's match-up between the Milwaukee Titans and the Omaha Boars has been postponed to tomorrow due to alien invasion. The standings will be updated after that game is finished tomorrow.
Keep the faith my fellow Raptors,
Ryan.
