One on one with Jason Schlek

 We here at Prehistoric Domination have been fortunate enough to get an interview with Red Raptor starting right flank Jason Schlek. Here's how it went down, yo.

Q: First question, what's the secret to your soufflè of death?
A: Lot's of love.

Q: Who inspired you most growing up?
A:  Not Cody McDonald.

Q: Who is your number one fan?
A: Fan? You mean stalker? Cause that is Justine Cota.

Q: What's your favorite game that you've played in this season?
A: NBA finals, game 3, Miami. I was on fire.

Q: What's your favorite type of goal?
A: The behind the back between the legs triple axle bicycle goal.

Q: What do you do to get ready before a big game?
A: Your mother.

Q: Do you even know my mother?
A: Do you know your father?

Q: That was uncalled for.
A: I ask the questions now.

(At this point, Jason Schlek punched me in the face and took the mic)

Q: Am I your favorite player?
A: Of course.

Q: Who is your least favorite player?
A: That would have to be Justine Cota of the McMurdo Station Wild Burros.

Q: What's your favorite goal of mine?
A: That game-winning 3 pointer in the NBA Finals.

Q: Oh I know right?
A: Fo' sho'

A: Can I have the mic back now?
Q: No!?

A: Really?
Q: No, here you go. (hands me the mic)

Q: What's your favorite song to listen to before a game?
A: Chocolate Rain by Tay Zonday. Gotta represent.

Q: Final question, any predictions for the rest of the season?
A: Nope.

Relatively Humid Rivalry

  Todays match-up was a FAT rivalry game between the Peoria Red Raptors and the McMurdo Station, Antarctica Wild Burros. It was a scorching negative 70 degrees at the start of the game. It was a complete white out during the die toss, no one could see the die so they decided it over a nice game of tight rope walk chess boxing. The Wild Burros started out with the ball and scored the first 17 and 13/5ths goals until the Red Raptors finished warming-up. Jason Schlek hit a triple bicycle goal from full field length while the guards' goggles were fogged. For those of you who don't know, the field is approximately 58.0 milk jugs long, it took the ball about 4 and 1/2 minutes to reach the goal. Samuel L. Jackson crashed a plane into the field half way through the 6th period and out of the plane came enough Central Asian Pit Vipers to choke a horse. A VERY large horse. Now that the vipers were back in their natural habitat, they began to feed upon the players. The first person they took was McMurdo Station center flank Justine Cota, who is the only female player in the world. She was taken to the hospital and died instantly......the next day. A masked man appeared and challenges all of the snakes to a cook off. The masked man easily won with his soufflè of death. The game started again and Jason Schlek was nowhere to be found. Until the masked man took off his mask and it was Jason Schlek! The Red Raptors were awarded 1,000 and 100 bonus points which equals 1 and a half goals. After that, Jason Schlek took complete control of the game with an army of quantimple 360 goals. After this we soon lost communication with McMurdo Station and were unable to determine the final score, but you can probably guess that the Red Raptors won. Like always.